Going to the chapel and...

Well I've been to two whole weddings in the last 3 weeks. And they were both divine.

And just quietly that makes ten weddings in adult life. I consider myself an expert guest now. From spotting the oddly-shaped envelope, to having a special "wedding" handbag, "wedding" wrap (a pretty but totally ineffectual shawl for your shoulders, boys) developing expertise in going "off-register" for friends since you've known since student days. An aside... Gift registries are for Great Aunties, I don't care what anyone says about it being about what the couple actually needs in the house, they can get stuffed, noone is going to make me buy them a matching toilet brush set! [Well unless it was a direct reference to the the time I regurgitated a massive yum cha breakfast, while suffering a terrible hangover from a party we threw while sharing a flat -for example]

I've been to Canberra, Adelaide, the Cotswolds, the Gold Coast and the 'Gong. I've seen weddings on a boat, a thai restaurant, a fancy hotel, a coupla gardens and a coupla churches. Even was the main act at one*. Generally, I'm the ubiqutious girl guest though, quaffing the champagne and wolfing down the 3 courses with delight (especially if it inludes gravy).

So I just though I'd share with you readers some compulsary wedding ettiquette. And also if any of you are brewing a plan to tie the knot, in the old skool tradition.. then don't forget...

• Make sure there is an older uncle or grandfather present who is just walking that fine, fine line between delightedly chatty, having the chance to converse with so many nice young women in a legitimate setting, and hideously leery and overbearing. Can careen from one to the other in course of the event;
  
• Brides: you must remain in To.tal. Con.trol . You will have organised everything down to the last detail, and sail through the thing in the manner of a highly paid events manager rather than a blushing virgin (well that's how new millenia emerald city chicks do it anyway);
  
• Brides: you will suddenly realise you're going to have to wear high heels to keep that dress off the ground.. "high heels, what, I haven't worn these hideous things since my year 12 formal!" you have been warned;
• Make allowances for over-emotional friends from university, who insist on either excessive glass dinging/over enthusiastic toasts/starting the dancing/not buying pressies from the register/cracking on to your younger brother - or all of the above;
  
• Brides: Thou shalt be pissed by main course. This is mandatory, don't be embarassed. In fact, this is my favourite part, because a drunk bride is always an exceptionally happy drunk.
  
• Grooms: You will exhibit best social behaviour in the whole history of the realtionship. You will personally greet every single person at the thing, effortlessly gliding from one group of guests to the next with the aplomb of a French diplomat.
  
• Grooms: You may also say something borderline between racy and incredibly sweet and romantic during your speech. Its touching. Do not, I repeat, do not mention: a) the cost of the event, b) any of her ex-boyfriends, or c) anything about anyones' family members.
  

Anyway, its all good. Although I have been noticing a worrying trend towards sensible daytime affairs that wrap up about 5 with half the guests still sober and capable of driving. I now fear most of my friend-wedding opportunities are exhausted.. but for any more of you.. c'mon, you'll never have hilarious Aunty Vera stories without a completely debauched evening bacchanal. Stop being such growned ups!

* oh hang on, I didn't mean the bride, I was literally, the entertaiment. Dancing. Heh heh.