On the treadmill

Yo buzz kids I'm on the freaking housemate-merry-go-round again. Let me recount for you my own personal -felafel-esque shaggy dog tale of the parade of housemates, in my nine years in the game. And to make my references completely transparent, told in the style of the Hugh Grant/Andy McDowell scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral (you know the one).

1. Girlfriend from uni, first flat out of home. Struggled with dishes and dirty plates in the living room, but introduced your hostess to gravities, hot chicken and spring onion sandwiches for any meal, clubbing on a weeknight and the art of vomiting to prolong your night's enjoyment. We're still in touch, she has a one-year-old now.

2. Unknown, suspected Aspegers film student at first introduction, now longtime friend. Brought to the house an amazing depth of knowledge of all things Star Wars, spaghetti westerns, japanese samauri films, and Phillip Glass. Tobe-wan I'm still disappointed I was only allowed to play with the ewoks but not Boba Fett.

3. The writer. I hear he's nearly finished his novel now, but I think its a different to the one he was working on in 1996. Ooh that was mean, matty if you're reading this I still think you're awesome! Brought great facial hair, prowess at Mario cart and doobies for breakfast to the house. Also had a problem with dirty dishes in the loungeroom (bedroom, hallway, balcony, etc)

4&5 Canberra. Two chicks. One army reservist with a motorbike and a kelpie, and the other with a serious gym habit and suspicion of full cream yoghurt. Great babes, both straight, we got on like house on fire. Which reminds me , fuck that house was cold!

6. Replacement for 8 weeks at end of lease for motorbike girl. Strange. She disappeared and I evetually got my share of the bond after they took out all her unpaid rent. $36.50. Found the cheque the other day actually. Never did get around to cashing that sucker in.

7&8 Syndey. Two male lawyers. Good friends. Matching motorbikes, helments, and an eyebrowlifting collection of german porn in the tv cupboard. The older one was pretty warm, 45 y.o. divorcee, with weights in his room. The other one was a tad uptight. Did a floor to ceiling clean every Sat morning while playing hard house music. Permanent mirror ball in the lounge room. God knows what his girlfriend made of it.

9. One of the continuing gem-friends. Vegan, greenie, mostly happy, fair, honest, funkee and funee. Weehee! Shout out to Miss A you know who you are.

10. The most gorgeous girl in the inner west. Only shared for a couple of weeks, so I don't have much to say. Unaturally beautiful and university educated to boot!

11. Cupboard boy. Oh my god I can't believe someone lived in that poor excuse for a room. Well it was only for a couple of months before the fiancee followed from darkest Adelaide. Mr C discovered seafood pizza from Lucky's and pide's ... mmm... pides.

12. Does miss J count? So we did share for more than 2 years, but that was after, like, about 10 years of sisterhood, and another 1 or 2 since (I've lost count). Eventually I reckon we've evolved a sixth sense for pissing each other off, but abundantly compensated for by the astounding cooking, converation, topnotch thinking, advice, hand-me-down clothes and handmade prints. Oh and buffy. I totally owe you one.

13. One lovely polite young man now a newsreader on your ABC. Great choice of flatmate. How on earth we managed that level of good luck I don't know. And he's got this you-beaut girlfriend who works for the guidedogs. Keeping it real.

14. An angel. Really truly. Former course-mate, pumpkin scone baker, tap dancer and hobbyist. I even got invted to her wedding to the interstate beau last year. Was placed at the couple's "former housemate" table. Aaaaw.

15. The absentee beau. Well it was only for a few weeks after he moved to same state (and not before time too!)

16. J-boy. It worked on an economic level. His girlfriend was a jehovah's witness with plastic boobies. He had three jobs, and never came home. Very nice and clean though.

17. J-2 . Good conversation, was learning to horseride, manacled to the laptop for postgraduate work. But was only ever camping really.

18&19. Miss Betty Sue and Mr Right. Of course it was always a relationship of convenience, but dammit a good one. Betty cooks a mean lampchop and mint zucchini my friends. And writes such a lovely blog. I am so buying her a pair of those high heeled slippers with a pompom for her birthday. Shh don't tell her!

20&21. Ginger and the missus. You love it you slag! Wotcha doin' straighty? I loike it, mate, etc.. A laugh a minute, big personalities that filled a fairly small flat.

21. The bizarro-beast. Seeing he's here in the cave den with me there's not much I can say. Muchos buenos desayunos. Cojonudo!